At the end of March, I had a family member that I was very close to pass away unexpectedly and it really took my family by surprise. I’ve lost a lot of family members over the years and I managed to do a great job suppressing my emotions so that I wouldn’t struggle with the aftermath. I admit that isn’t the best way to handle things but it worked for me.
However, that day all the emotions I buried over the years suddenly came to past and I could not shake them. I went back and mourned my mom’s death who passed away over 10 years ago. I mourned when it happened but not in a way I should have to release all the emotions I was feeling. I mourned other family members who recently passed as well. During that timeframe I no longer had control. My emotions overpowered anything I tried to accomplish in order to get myself back on course. I wasn’t sleeping well and I would find myself deep in thought about all that had transpired and how it affected me. I would often think who would be next? There was a dark cloud surrounding my life and I just could not get out of this funk.
Fast forward to two months later, while still coping with the loss of one member I lost another one. My cousin who was only 22 years old with a newborn baby was murdered. Murdered on his own doorstep. This one cut deep and once again left me drowning in my emotions. This loss was a different type of hurt because I could not understand why. Why would someone be so heartless to take someone’s life over a materialistic gain? Why would someone take a first time father from their newborn son? His friends, his family and his significant other. No way was my family mourning another loss so soon. The pieces I attempted to put back together in strive to regain my happiness was put on hold once again.
Not only am I dealing with things that are happening within my own family, but my small community as well. The increase in gun violence and the amount of deaths that are occurring from it. The more I am away from home the better I feel. While I know there is violence all around, I no longer feel safe in a place where I was born and raised due to the recent events. There is no security within my comfortability of knowing that someone who took my cousin’s life and so many others that have committed murders are still walking around free. The lack of value that others place on the lives of their peers is sickening. I prefer to avoid the news and certain things just for the sake of my sanity.
Despite the challenges I am facing with my emotions, I am making it my mission to get back to where I need to be. I am dealing with my emotions in a way where I will not let them get the very best of me. Life is to be lived for as long as we are blessed to do so. Life can change at any given moment, so I have to embrace all that comes with it and find a way to push through it. When we allow our emotions to become a hinderance we only suffer in the end. One day and one step at a time is the only way to get past anything in life; for that very reason I am a work in progress.